VEHICLE BLOG
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VIEWS
GOSSIP and COMMENT IN THE BLOG OF AUBREY BAGGPUSS
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Nov 2009 Oh dear, oh dear. The idiots who run the car company Skoda look like making the firm the butt-end of everyone's jokes again. They have just decided to call their new Skoda model the 'Yeti'. However, according to the encyclopedia, a Yeti.is a large ugly apelike creature, which may not exist! So if that;s what they think of their own new model,. we should all take the hint and shun this ape-ish ugly car like the plague. This must be the biggest faux pas since Citroen named their top-of-the-range model after the biggest automobile flop of all time - the C5. * * * Oct 2009 Have you noticed the number of drivers of relatively new cars (other than Volvos), who are now driving around with their lights on all day? These cars are now fitted with this facility although you can actually turn the lights off. The provision is all part of a scheme emanating from the European Union which, from 2012 onwards, will mean that all cars will have to have daytime running lights fitted. But why are these stupid drivers keeping their lights on all day now, when there is no need to? It is not a cost-free exercise. These imbeciles obviously do not realise that by using your lights during the daytime, this adds to your engine fuel consumption. Perhaps they are like a friend of mine who, until recently, didn't realise that putting your lights on costs you money. What actually happens is that the lights take a charge out of the battery, which the engine then has to replenish by the alternator working harder than it would otherwise have to do. This acts as a drag on the engine and your fuel consumption goes up. It is also a pointless exercise because according to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, if more cars have their headlights on during the day, it means it is harder to see motorcycles and emergency vehicles and therefore is more, not less, likely to cause an accident. I was planning to honk my horn every time I saw one of these clowns driving in daytime with their headlights on, until I realised that that too would cause a discharge on my battery and add to my fuel consumption. So instead, I just point at them and burst out laughing: It embarrasses them, makes me feel good -and , best of all, doesn't cost a penny.
Sep 2009 An obscure organisation called 'Living Streets', which wants to take cars off the street, (wouldn't 'Dead Streets' be a more appropriate name?) is about to launch a Walk to School campaign. They say that this idea, planned for next month, 'provides the opportunity for promoting healthy lifestyles.' Throughout October, they want to see children and parents all over the country 'leave the car at home as much as possible.' Well, I am quite happy to oblige by 'leaving the car at home.' So, next month I will be offering local kids a free lift to school in my 4-miles-to-the-gallon Chieftan Tank.
Aug 2009 One northern classic car dealer in Yorkshire is advertising a red Jensen C-V8 Mark 2 at an inflated price, which he describes as 'sensational ' adding: 'the best we've had the pleasure of owning.'...'fully restored to a beautiful standard'.... 'stunning chrome and...no expense spared.' Funny then that this car has a Mark 2 rear end (correct for year) but a Mark 3 front end, with the wrong bumpers for the year fitted!! -What the hell is this - a Jensen Kaliedescope model... or perhaps it has just been in one hell of a shunt. Strange that their ad doesn'r mention any of this.
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July 2009 I see that gormless idiot Richard Hammond, who appears on BBC's Top Gear, has had yet another accident. Top Gear? 'First gear' would be a better name for any show with him in it. It is about time the BBC took him off the air -and off the road! * * * * * 'HONK a HUMP' is what you should do if, like me, you are sick and tired of those second-rate Councils who think that speed humps are a good idea. Flashing signs and proper road markings are fine where speed needs to be reduced but speed humps are a menace. And what is the logic of councils putting in speed humps that you can only negotiate at 15 mph when the speed limit is 30! If the council want us all to travel at 15 mph in the vicinity of the humps, then that's what the speed limit should be. Humps damage car suspension systems, and increase pollution, both from exhausts and also noise they cause when vehicles pass over them. So I always ensure that there is also an extra dose of noise pollution when I pass, because I always 'honk a hump' whenever I go over one. And I suggest you give the village of Walkington in East Yorkshire a miss. The council there have installed a plethora of over-the-top speed humps. If businesses in the village are suffering a downturn in trade then it serves them right for putting up with the apparent speed hump mania of their local councillors. * * * * *
June 2009 Oh dear me. I see that Sainsbury's are trying to take the public for mugs. Apparently, they have contracted to buy a load of fish known as pollack but the public aren't buying it. So instead of dumping this ugly fish and supplying what the customer wants, they have had the bright idea of still selling the pollack but changing it's name! So, if you decide to shop at Sainsbury's and see a fish for sale under ster the ridiculous name of 'Colin' (why not 'Sid' or 'Fred'?) I suggest you avoid it like the plague. It is NOT 'Colin' at all but POLLACK, now renamed by some Sainsbury's Pillock! * * * * *
March 2009 Most youngsters today think that they know it all, but do they? I was listening to a group of young boy-racers talking in my local pub recently. They were all going on about how wonderful the Subaru turbo car is. ‘These Japanese are so advanced,’ they enthused, ‘the Subaru is not only a permanent 4-wheel drive vehicle but it has a flat-four engine, with two banks of two cylinders opposed to each other for smoother running and higher-revving,’ one of the group remarked. ‘The Japs are light-years ahead of us in motor vehicle design.’ another lad with earrings and tattoos said, and the others agreed with him. In the light of this codswallop, I decided to set the record straight: ’A British company called Jensen were the first to introduce 4-wheel drive on a sports car in the 1960’s,’ I told them, 'and this was a full decade before anyone else introduced 4-wheel drive.' ‘But what about the marvellous flat-four engine?’ the idiot with tattoos and earrings asked. I pointed out to him that this innovative and ‘advanced’ design was first introduced by the British Jowett Car Co in the 1940’s. ‘You are clearly still ’wet behind the ears’ I told him as I poured the remains of my pint down the back of his neck.’
February 2009 One particular character has started advertising an upcoming autojumble that starts at 7.00am whilst another is organising a classic car run that starts at 8.30am. Don’t these imbeciles sleep? Insomniacs like this don’t deserve our support. I don’t even get up for work at these ungodly times, so I’ll be damned if I am going to spend any of my leisure time getting up in the middle of the night, just because some clown organising the event is either an idiot or has got insomnia! January 2009 Every year I used to visit Javea on the Costa Blanca in Spain for my holidays. What a great place it was. But no more. The town has been completely ruined by the construction of a plethora of viscious and unnecessary speed humps. Further, unlike the UK, these are not just on quiet side roads to make them safe for kids, but on all the main roads through the town. It seems as if the town Mayor and his councillors are trying to get Javea awarded the title as 'the speed hump capital of the E.U.' I am amazed at the residents putting up with it. I certainly won't be going back. Take a tip: Steer clear of Javea -unless you want broken car suspension - and a broken back. |
Catch up with Aubrey's views in our club magazine, posted free to all members each and every month. |
